He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
