I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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