Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
