I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
