Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
