i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
