I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
