How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
