peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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