my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
