Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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