dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
