Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
