I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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