my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
