It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize