im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
