I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
