Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
