He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How external is "for external use only"?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
