I wish I could teleport
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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