i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
