he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize