I met the friendliest cop last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just high enough for therapy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
