it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
