dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize