so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
