when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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