I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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