Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
