My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
