yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
