I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
