Can Purell be used as lube?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
