i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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