Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize