My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
