Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
