The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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