Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Mom said you looked used
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize