i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
