It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
