you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
