I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
