I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
