Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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