i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She needs sedatives and a leash
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Floor bacon is actually really good
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize