I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
