I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
