Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
try to milk me bitch
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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