Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
