Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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