And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
