a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
