Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
