My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
