I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
